The Daily Discordian

"My Photoshop Skills are so good- I once shooped a THONG onto a DOG." --Count Tufive, on her apparent photoshop expertise

2010-07-14T22:08:00.005-04:00

Because of the fact that it is summer and I have few to no friends in the vicinity, I've been mostly resigned to my room, watching Arrested Development on my XBox (which is less "Discordian" and more "fucking awesome"). However, folks, even if you are basically house-ridden, you can still mess around with Daily Acts of Discordianism...which I would call "DAD" if not for how incredibly creepy this sentence would subsequently become.

For example, take putting together a piece of household furniture - to some, a necessary task; to others, a formidable challenge against the restraints of our oppressors! I've made it an unspoken task of mine to never, EVER completely follow the directions when constructing do-it-yourself furniture. Now, while that may seem ill-advised, I assure you I only skip steps I am certain will not come back to haunt me (e.g. not putting the last screw in one of my handles for my dresser so it kind of hangs down a little but overall does not detract from the dresser experience, deeming one shelf door as unnecessary when constructing a desk, smashing in my television screen because all the box people were judging me with their shining eyes and perfectly coiffed hair). This is definitely something anyone who uses furniture can do to further a healthy, chaotic lifestyle - because if there's one battle I know I can win in life, it's the one against my dresser.

Look at that smug bastard with his...golden, smooth exterior and shiny, metallic knobs...
Stupid sexy paneling.

George's Weakness is his Eyes!

2010-07-04T13:30:00.000-04:00

Fuck a duck, it's been a while.

Last night, Eris decided that, because I have been lacking in my Discordian ways, she was going to force it a bit. We had a party at my apartment last night, Mexican Bandito themed. As always, it simply turned into Drinking themed, but at least I was wearing a sombrero and donning a handlebar moustache drawn in with non-toxic washable markers. The washable part was correct, the ink came off very easily. I do, however, have my doubts about the validity of non-toxic. As I type this, my moustache is still very visible, though now a bright red, due to an apparent allergic reaction to the marker ink.

I have a bright red handlebar moustache. What's more Discordian than that?

Anyways, It's the summer, I'm barely working, have no money and no girlfriend. Perfect set of circumstances for fucking around with people. SUGGESTIONS, YO!

Daily Discord: Have an axe with you, all day. Look at people like they're crazy if they bring it up.

You've Got a Pretty Mouth

2010-01-20T13:41:00.007-05:00

Jesus, nobodies posting on here. This saddens me.

Anyways I'm posting in regards to a recent discordian project undertaken here at Alfred University. It is an elaborate extension of PosterGASM. We have prepared a rating system that will give buildings a letter grade on how if would fair as a defensive structure during the theorized Zombie Apocalypse Scenario (ZAS). Working in conjunction with Max Brooks and the U.S. Department of Defense we have developed the following rubric.

If anyone could review it for typos or just areas where it could be tuned up it would be handy. I encourage you all to join me in rating the buildings on your respective campus's sometime this week or next.

“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.” -- Steven Seagal

2009-10-22T09:30:00.004-04:00

Unfortunately, I have been unable to keep up with my random "Acts of Anarchy," due to the ever-growing college workload. I hope to be back soon, however, with something big, beautiful, and completely chaotic.

Yeah. Something like this.

(Note: I have all the Photoshop prowess of a decapitated hedgehog, with about half the charm.)

Alright, Guys and Gals, we have a mission!

2009-09-30T12:09:00.000-04:00

That's right! So, we all know about the WCYY thing. Now we get to be a part of it. I've already set up a protest in the name of ERIS for thursday, 5:00 PM, and would love your support. Call in to CYY (792-9299) and tell them when and where the protest is (Monument Square). Send poster ideas. Etc. GO GO GO. I'll update again after the protest, and tell us how it goes.

DAILY DISCORD: Eat a banana as slowly as you can.

King Kong Died For Our Sins

2009-09-26T20:22:00.004-04:00

I have been encouraged by the Tony's posts to participate in Project PosterGASM. I have been printing out tons of discordian posters and keeping them and some tape in my bag so I can put them up where I see fit. If you want to jump in click here and here.

Also, Ashley decided to throw in some Discordian room arrangements in a common area at her college, by completing the circle:

Repeat: "Circular logic works because,"

Daily Discord: Open up a napkin holder and write deep personal messages on the napkins before closing it back up. Take a shot in the psychological dark!

"Repent Ticktockman" Said the Harlequin

2009-09-25T17:33:00.003-04:00

Today I walked by the door of my R.A. and had found some mathematics on his door's white board with the header, "I was bored". I decided to check his math and found some problems with his integral, it lacked a constant of integration and a dx. I helped him correct the error of his ways while informing him of the problems with his original equation.

After this I decided to go to my room and work on one of my various charities. You know that every year around 50 students between the ages of 12-18 are sent into the frozen arctic to starve, with nothing to eat but what the cafeteria can serve them. Well no more! So I got the name of one of these first years and decided to send them some food. Some fully cooked oriental ramen to be precise with a letter explaining the cause of the charity, in a white envelope.

Mmmm. Who ordered delivery?

Hopefully USPS can find it in their hearts to send this one along. I suggest finding a first year of your own and give the gift of lunch today.

Daily Discord: Pretend to practice a religion you know little to nothing about.

FLAMAJAM

2009-09-23T22:23:00.002-04:00

Alright, I haven't done anything too interesting as of late. However, I have tommorrow off, and will do something fairly DISCRODANT. Yeah, discrodant. Sugggestioooons?

DAILY DISCORD: Steal your own car.

Fat people produce 33.7% of all greenhouse gases

2009-09-22T10:06:00.003-04:00

All unmarked doors lead to pelican storage and rehabilitation facilities. It's sort of a shame you didn't already know that.

Armchair Hero'd

2009-09-21T15:52:00.001-04:00

I have an interior design class. Yeah, I know. Anyway, we have to design a yurt. Therefore, I will be constructing the world's first ROVING VIKING AWESOMEFUCK YURT. I expect an A. I'll update you once I have the plans drawn up.

I followed Tony's DD, and called up my dentist, and told her to remove my appointment for next week. She told me that I hadn't made an appointment, that my next one was in several months. I said "Scandalous!" and hung up.

I'm going to start making and printing some fake signs for school. Also, I found a fort. I'll check it out, and see it's potential.

Daily Discord: Call a Starbucks and ask for Ice Cream Cake. When they say they don't offer it, ask for a manager. Tell the manager that he/she is a racist.

Dokta Citrus, paging Dokta Citrus

2009-09-18T21:12:00.000-04:00

Unlike other bloggers, my job of machining requires alot of focus on tedious tasks, and leaves little room for horseplay, let alone Lokisions. I am, of course, a Discordian, and so that shouldn't stop me. I spent the first 3 hours at work today going without the letter "E," hoping others would notice. They just thought I was pretending to be a dullard. So, to hammer my point, I simply yelled every time I heard others utilize the letter. Again, the point was lost on them (It's a loud shop, and my co-workers are used to my outbursts), and so 15 minutes later, and with a parched throat, I decided I needed a new way to entertain myself, all the while spread my beliefs like whale blubber on an infant.

It hit me. You know who's birthday it is? Me neither. I went into the cleaning locker, and took out a bunch of plastic bags. I then filled the bags with oily cloths, ripped up a peice of paper, wrote HAPPY BIRTHDAY on them, and sneakily went around and deposited them on my coworker's tables. Content with my lame albiet time-consuming task, I sat down at my machine, hoping the next 8 hours would go by fast.

It hit me. This time, physically. Apparently, I was not as sneaky as I would have liked, and one of the more rambunctious collegues whipped the bag at my head. Unforseen, sure, but I could work with that! In time, the entire shop was throwing these festive missles at each other, the the grayface of boring work was averted.

Moral: I need a better job.

Daily Discord: Convince someone you are from an hour into the future.

Me Going Legit Would Be Like Jarjar on Speech Therapy

2009-09-18T14:38:00.013-04:00

This next act of mayhem requires a small preamble for anyone not attending the University of Pittsburgh:

Here at Pitt, we have various computing labs around campus. I am one of the privileged 200-or so to have the reputable honor to work at these labs. Ever since I have accepted the Erisian ideology, I have been searching for a way to integrate my philosophical views on chaos into my daily work environment. And voilà! Today was a sweet cascade of pandemonium and discord at Hillman Library, home of the busiest computer lab on campus.

"From every floor erupted waves of terror, punctuated with screams of anarchic triumph and the gentle lull of the book demagnetizer." -- Robert Frost, Stopping by Hillman on a Friday Evening

When a student goes into a computer lab to print a document, because of the sheer magnitude of jobs sent to the printers, each document comes with a colored cover sheet (referred to lovingly by the staff as "banner sheets"). On this banner sheet, a student's username (that is, their initials and a number), job title, and remaining print quota are displayed. When a document is printed, the lab consultants transfer all print-outs from the printers to the "output table," arranging them in a semblance of alphabetical order to simplify the printing process.

Anyway, the point of that tedious interlude is this: While most banner sheets list only the student's initials and a number representing their frequency, what if an ENTIRE NAME were on the banner sheet? What havoc would ensue from such an act? Better yet, what if OBI-WAN KENOBI'S name was on a banner sheet, signifying his enrollment at the University of Pittsburgh and his ability to print from a remote dimension? Well, that, my friends, is where I bring you to my act of discord for today.

A banner-sheet looks a little something like this:

Now, for our hero, Benny-Boy Kenobi, his banner sheet looked like this (with a little Photo-Shoop Manipulation by yours truly):

(Minus the strange blur and jpeg-artifacts, thank you very much)

After fiddling with the printer's configurations for a bit (because anyone who is any one knows how to manipulate your school print job to print from a specific tray, thus ensuring it's size/color/and output mode, amirite?), I finally acquired OBI-WAN KENOBI banner sheet, complete with a simple Word file entitled To Anakin, With Love. Thus, I promptly put Kenob's highly sensitive document onto the output table, eager to observe the reaction of the general populace.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Discordian OSHA

2009-09-18T13:40:00.002-04:00

Spotted in a Umaine bathroom stall.

Chem Free since '93!

2009-09-17T10:19:00.001-04:00

So I got a phonecall this morning form one of those political pollsters. Perfect. Instead of simply fucking with them the entire phonecall, I decided I had to be gradual, so she wouldn't simply throw out my results. I decided I was going to start out as a moderate, but within a few minutes, alternate the answers of my questions between wildly liberal and fanatically conservative. She got very confused when, at the end she asked about gun control:

Pollster: Do you believe in gun control?
Me: Oh, absolutely, yes, all guns should be controlled by the government.
Pollster: So, you think citizens should be allowed to carry firearms?
Me: Of course not! All citizens should be required to have guns at all times!
Pollster: But you believe in gun control...
Me: Yeah, guns are mean.

ETC.

Daily Discord: Cancel an appointment you didn't have.

Daily Discord in Text Message Form

2009-09-16T21:33:00.002-04:00

Just in time for National Unmarried Week and National Cheeseburger Day.... it's the Daily Discordian challenge via text message!

Everyday you'll receive a text message with something Discordian for you to do throughout your day. Do it. Then post your results on the comments.

That's right Fnordz, to sign-up make an account on Swaggle and join the group DailyDiscordian. More info can be found on how to do this here.

Alternatively, you can e-mail your cellphone number to me at {that is swell at gmail .com} (no spaces). I will be glad to sign you up manually as well as sign you up for anything online requiring a phone number.

DO IT.

Meeting People

2009-09-16T18:03:00.003-04:00

The urge to create discord can strike you at any moment. Like 3AM on a weeknight when some girl walks past your window.

What do you do? This is obviously an opportunity that isn't going to come along again tonight, so you better jump on it like a screaming child at a bad birthday party. I opted to bang on my windows with a ruler and say "aaaaaaahhhhh" in an annoying pitch.

She looks up, clearly asking herself the question we all would ask ourselves when someone is banging on their windows at three in the morning as you walk past them: "What the fuck?" She then continued on.

Two steps later and I repeat my call. I'm wailing on my windows like a nun in a sped class. "aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

She stops, starts again, I rap my windows and yell. This repeats a few times, and she's not making much progress. It becomes apparent that she's going to lose interest and go in her house, as she's already on the stairs. I fling open my back door and shout again, then slam it shut. Then I do it again for good measure.

Now I've done it. She's not going inside, but is instead coming over here. Oh shit. I didn't see that coming, did you? I'm just at home, enjoying a night of ruining someone's preconceived notions of three in the morning, and now I have company. What the fuck, neighbor? Call ahead.

At first, I ran away. Then I came back and answered the door when she knocked.

"Is someone here yelling at.."

"Yes."

"Was that y.."

"Yep."

"Why are you banging on your windows with a ruler."

"This is MY house."

Long story short, I had her over for macaroni and cheese the next night and "aaaaaaahhhhh" is a meme amongst my roommates.

Daily Discord: Wipe a booger in a copy of Twilight at Borders.

Satyr Goddess

2009-09-16T10:01:00.010-04:00

During holidays and those precious occasions, I find it exceedingly difficult to send relevant, coherent giftcards. That is, let's say it's your 20th anniversary with your honey- great! Wow! Dead guys wrote poems about that kind of love! It warms the heart to know that you've been devoting your life to a single individual while I, for an equivalent amount of time, have been soiling my diaper, growing up, coming of age, and dating voraciously (not necessarily in that order). And yes, of course I want to acknowledge your dizzying commitment...

...but, Christmas is, like, 3 1/2 months away. And, while a stuffy group of bards indirectly referenced your lifelong love, there are like 5 billion explicit Christmas songs, approximately 1/3 of which are from Barbara Streisand. Hear that: B-to-the-Arbara Streisand, the high mistress of chaos; her noise itself snuffs physics (ha). Seriously, what did Barbara Streisand and her Saintly Schnoz ever have to say about you? NOTHING. So Merry Christmas, you sanctimonious bastard.

Santa does not approve of your unholy union.
(caption for dual Christmas/Anniversary greeting card)

Anecdote: Today is my mother's 49th birthday. Amidst the legions of Rite-Aid Birthday cards (that's right - only the best for my mom), I found a "Happy 28th Birthday!" card where you can fill in the name on the front (there were also pictures of dogs in business suits, but that really can only add to a card's worth). So, I proudly signed the "Happy 28th Birthday, Nancy!" card and mailed it straight away...just in time for Christmas, too!

*Note 1: In true Discordian fashion, the card will arrive two days after her actual birthday.
*Note 2: My mom's name is Michele.

Daily Discord: Buy a "Blank Inside" card with a bizarre picture in front. Fill it with grass, dead leaves, and bits of twig (bonus points if you smush the grass on the interior of the card to create a nice green smudge). List your return address as "Pan: Satyr God of the Wilderness, The Forest."

Dipthong

2009-09-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

Alright, my Russian accent is too good; the guys at Burger King didn't even blink. Mabye I should try Afrikaans next. Apart from that, yesterday's discord was pretty light, the voids only really being filled with my nontraditional swearing. I got a math problem wrong? Missledicks! I was too early, and the class before mine hadn't gotten out yet? Jesusburger!

I've been thinking; we need a group project. Something that we can do without physically being together (hey look! An internet!). Keep eyes and pancreases open.

Daily Discord: Borrow someone's writing utensil, and discretely put it in your nose.

(PS no, spellcheck, I did not shout "Johanesburg!" in the hallway. Though...)

First Post! Huzzah!

2009-09-15T13:14:00.000-04:00

This blog is mainly to chronicle my exploits as a discordian. I figure that if I update this every day, it will motivate me (and hopefully others) to bring a little chaos into our lives. I'll delve into my current Mindfucks, thoughts on long-term and future Mindfucks, and will always end with today's Daily Discord. Please, feel free to comment on my posts with your own exploits, the results of the day's Daily Discord, or any inane ramblings you may have. Wish me luck! HAIL ERIS!

Daily Discord: Talk in a foreign accent to someone you don't know.