Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Satyr Goddess

During holidays and those precious occasions, I find it exceedingly difficult to send relevant, coherent giftcards. That is, let's say it's your 20th anniversary with your honey- great! Wow! Dead guys wrote poems about that kind of love! It warms the heart to know that you've been devoting your life to a single individual while I, for an equivalent amount of time, have been soiling my diaper, growing up, coming of age, and dating voraciously (not necessarily in that order). And yes, of course I want to acknowledge your dizzying commitment...

...but, Christmas is, like, 3 1/2 months away. And, while a stuffy group of bards indirectly referenced your lifelong love, there are like 5 billion explicit Christmas songs, approximately 1/3 of which are from Barbara Streisand. Hear that: B-to-the-Arbara Streisand, the high mistress of chaos; her noise itself snuffs physics (ha). Seriously, what did Barbara Streisand and her Saintly Schnoz ever have to say about you? NOTHING. So Merry Christmas, you sanctimonious bastard.
Santa does not approve of your unholy union.
(caption for dual Christmas/Anniversary greeting card)

Anecdote: Today is my mother's 49th birthday. Amidst the legions of Rite-Aid Birthday cards (that's right - only the best for my mom), I found a "Happy 28th Birthday!" card where you can fill in the name on the front (there were also pictures of dogs in business suits, but that really can only add to a card's worth). So, I proudly signed the "Happy 28th Birthday, Nancy!" card and mailed it straight away...just in time for Christmas, too!

*Note 1: In true Discordian fashion, the card will arrive two days after her actual birthday.
*Note 2: My mom's name is Michele.

Daily Discord: Buy a "Blank Inside" card with a bizarre picture in front. Fill it with grass, dead leaves, and bits of twig (bonus points if you smush the grass on the interior of the card to create a nice green smudge). List your return address as "Pan: Satyr God of the Wilderness, The Forest."

1 comment:

  1. Hephaestus was here, Pan is a loser